10 Questions NOT to Ask Adoptive Parents

People are always surprised when I tell them that our daughter was adopted. Like seriously, they cannot believe it! We always hear how much she looks just like her Dad and even points out which features matches ours. One day a lady randomly approached us in Target and said that she had never seen a child look more like her Father. We just smiled and thanked her. I had to admit she really does favor him.

Once they get over the initial shock, then the questions start. Some are downright rude and some are truly innocent. The thing that really irks me is that they ask such personal questions while Harper is present. This is her story and there are certain details that we will just not share. Adoption is a sensitive topic and until you have experienced it, you cannot begin to know what it is like. As an adoptive mother, I feel that it’s my duty to educate others on the appropriate language to use surrounding adoption. While I honestly don't think people are out to be mean or insensitive, it doesn't mean that my feelings don't get hurt.

Here are ten of our most asked questions:

1. What happened to her real mom and dad? 
Seriously, are we fake people?
We are her REAL Mom and Dad. 
The correct term would be birth parents or biological parents. They are also real people.

2. Why didn't her birth mom want her?
She did want her and decided to place her with our family. She decided to choose adoption for very personal reasons.

3. She looks just like a kid y 'all would've given birth to. Isn't God good?
What the what???!!!!!
I agree God is amazing, but how in the world do you know what our biological kid would look like? Only God knows that.

4. When are you going to have your own kid?
Is she fake or artificial?
I already have my own kid! Parenthood requires more than DNA.

5. How much did she cost?
We got her on sale.
We did not buy her, we paid adoption fees and court costs. Asking for a specific dollar amount is rude. There are several websites that I could refer you to, that we used to help us in our adoption journey.

6. Are you going to tell her she isn't really your child? 
Ummmm, whose child is she?
Bottom line, she is OUR child. Harper will always know that she became a member of our family in a very special way. Adoption is a positive thing and we always want her to know the truth. 

7. So can you even have kids?
WOW! Can you stay out of my uterus?!
I just give them a blank stare or serious side eye and walk away.

8. So when are y 'all gonna go get another one?
Next week we will grab "one" off the shelf at Babies R' Us. Seriously!
We would love to adopt another child one day. We are in no rush. It's all in God's timing.

9. I am so glad that you choose to adopt from America. Don't you agree that we need to take care of our own?
Wow! Our own?!
Children all over the world need families. It does not matter what adoption path a family chooses to take. Every child deserves to know the love of a forever family.

10. She is so lucky to have you.
No, I am the lucky one. She has saved me in more ways than one.

I hope that this post didn't come off as offensive or mean, but I merely wanted to shed some light on the questions adoptive parents face and how using the wrong words can truly hurt feelings. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask. Thanks for reading!

Do you have any questions about adoption? Have you  ever considered adopting?



  1. From another adoptive mama...thanks :)

    1. You are more than welcome. Thank you for reading!

  2. Some of these are really horrible. Like from #3 onward... How much did you get her for? I cannot even understand the level of ignorance that would lead to that question. PS your answer is perfect!

    1. Kay, girllllll! Horrible, right?! I just have to take several deep breaths and woosah. Thanks for reading.

  3. Your Harper Rose is beautiful. My husband and I have been considering adoption and love to hear positive stories. I would love to read more. Thank you for sharing.

    1. Thank you for reading. I plan to share a lot more on adoption. If you have any questions I can answer, please send me an email lifeashismrs {at} gmail.com.

  4. This is such a great list! We've heard some of those questions far too many times. Love your responses :-)

    1. Erin I think most of those questions are innocent, but all of them are ignorant and insensitive as can be. I wish that people would pause their brain for a moment and realize what was just said. Thank you for reading!

  5. I loved reading this very much. I've recently started looking into adopting but i'm stilltrying to make sure that it's what I want. Only have 1 birth daughter at the moment and we want to conceive maybe 2 or 3 more then adopt.

  6. I can't believe people actually say these things! I appreciate you sharing this post. It's a glimpse at what my friends who have adopted are dealing with. :/

  7. Such a very informative post!

    Belle | www.OneAwesomeMomma.com

  8. Just reading these makes me so uncomfortable! How do people think that it is ok to ask things like that?!

  9. Beautifully written! Some people just don't think before they talk!

  10. What a great list and a great reminder to all those who don't know how to sensor their questions when it comes to adoption.

  11. We looked into adoption a few times and it is such a difficult road. I swear most people think it's like going to the store and picking out a baby though.


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